Friday 12th December 2014 – The day I found out I was expecting was the happiest day of my life but at the same time the scariest…. I had 6 months left in my apprenticeship, just got with the guy I’ve like for 7 years…. I was worried what people would say I was 18 and having a baby something I’ve always dreamed of but didn’t think it would be so soon…..

So I booked an appointment with the GP and had it confirmed….

That night I told my mum, boyfriend and close friend and they was all so happy for me… I was over the moon

 

Wednesday 24th December 2014 – It was Christmas Eve and I had my first scan and I couldn’t wait…. My little koala was perfect and growing fine…. I was 9 weeks and 3 days… It was such an amazing moment seeing my baby on screen it just made it more real…. And it couldn’t come any sooner.

 

Thursday 8th January 2015 – My first midwives appointment…. It was getting more and more real by the day… I got my yellow book now I knew it was really happening it really felt real…

 

Wednesday 14th January 2015 – I get to see my little koala bear on the screen again and couldn’t wait I was 12weeks and 3 day… my baby was getting so big and everything was really good…. They did the Down syndrome screening to see if I was a low or high risk not that it would have bothered me….. That day I started to let people know my exciting news J

14 weeks to 19 weeks – I started to feel my little koala moving and kicking … it started with flutter then got stronger and stronger…. It was the most amazing feeling in the world…

Tuesday 3rd March 2015 – My 20 weeks midwives appointment but was only 19 weeks and 2 days… all was fine…

Wednesday 4th March 2015 – The day I’ve been waiting for the day I find out if I’m having a prince or a princess and I couldn’t wait… Finally 1.30pm came and my names was called …. I was so excited I led on the bed they put jelly on my belly and started my scan and they lady started taking measurement after about 20/30 min she finally looked up and said it appears your baby if very small of the gestational age… but I was having a baby girl…..so she finished the scan and handed me over to the consultant where I had a really bad feeling…..

The consultant asked me to come in to the room where she sat me down and told me it wasn’t very good news…. She started to explain that my baby was really small and that there was abnormality in the fetal dopplers and that the umbilical artery doppler shows some reversed end diastolic flow and that she wanted me to be put under fetal medicine unit and my scan would be on Friday at 3:20 but she also told me that she thought my princess wouldn’t survive till they but there was nothing they could do it was just one of those thing of life….. I was gutted I couldn’t stop crying this was ment to be one of the happiest days of my life but was starting to turn in to the worse I just didn’t know what to do it didn’t make sense how they said I was going to loose my princess but yet I could feel her moving and everyday her kicks was getting stronger it just didn’t make sense…. But all I could do was hope they was wrong or my princess was going fight.

 

 Friday 6th March 2015 – My first appointment with fetal medicine unit… 3:20 came and they call my name…. I was so scared they was going tell me I’ve lost my little princess….. He started to scan away and there she was heart beating away…. Moving and kicking around …. I couldn’t have been happier….. But then he started to tell me how my princess was small with an absent flow in the umbilical artery and bilateral uterine artery notches but everything else was normal apart from a single umbilical artery. He told me how he didn’t think she was a normal small baby and that he thinks this is because of a placenta problem or an underlying genetic problem.

He then offered me the amniocentesis to see if she had a genetic problem which I refused but he told me to think about it and he’ll see me in two weeks but he didn’t think she will still have a beating heart then.

 

Friday 20th March 2015 – 21weeks and 5 days…. Fetal medicine- I was so worried she wasn’t going to be there but she was still with a strong beating heart and had grown she was now 10oz, she was very active with a normal AFI but there is now a reversed end diastolic flow in the umbilical artery.

The consultant was very honest with me and told me that he didn’t think she would survive long enough to keep achieve either a viable weight or gestation…. He then offered me a termination which I refused

They took my blood pressure and took bloods as I was at risk of getting PET… then arranged for me to have my blood pressure checked the following week then my consultant to see me the week after that then he would see me after the Easter holiday but if I was worried about anything like movement then just ring DAU.

 

The next two appointments when fine.

Tuesday 7th April 2015 – 24weeks and 2 days…. Fetal Medicine – My princess had put weight on but not a lot she was now 13oz. We was now at the gestational age where we could deliver but she would not survive the delivery… so we agree to keep doing what we were doing and just keep a close eye on her. I was now going to be seeing fetal medicine weekly.

That night I when home and brought a heart Doppler so I could keep an eye on my princess on a daily basis.

 

Tuesday 14th April 2015 – 25weeks and 2 days…. Midwives - My 25 weeks check-up everything went fine we listen to heart beat which was very strong…. My little princess was a little fighter.

Fetal Medicine –The scan showed the Doppler’s continued to worsen and now the AFI was gradually reducing. He arranged to see me again next week but told me that he thinks she would die in this time.

 

Tuesday 21st April 2015 – 26 weeks and 2 days…. Midwives – everything was okay heart still beating away…. She was really shocking people on how she was still going I just told them she’s my little fighter.

Fetal Medicine – Things was starting to get worse she had only gained an 1oz in weight over 2 weeks which is really poor… her movements on screen was really weak. The AFI was dropping and there was a pronounced reversed end diastolic flow. She was only weighing 390g and needed to be 500g to have a fighting chance…. He also told me we could induce labour but she would die from the stress and it would probably end up in a caesarean but I would be a classic caesarean which would mean that for every baby I have I would have to have a caesarean or I ment not even be able to have more children.  We decided to wait enough week to see if she would grow any more…

 

 

Tuesday 28th April 2015 - 27weeks and 2 days…… Midwives – all was fine really strong heart beat and kicking around she really was a little fighter….

Fetal Medicine – There had been virtually no growth in the last week. The Doppler’s remain very abnormal with pronounced reverses flow, significant redistribution and bilateral uterine artery notching consistent with severe uteroplacental disease and there was also very little fluid around my princess….

They had me talk to a neonatal lady so she could give me a better picture of what I would be dealing with if I was to deliver now….

The neonatal lady confirmed what fetal medicine had said and what was that she probably wouldn’t survive the delivery…. I asked her if my princess was to survive when what was he chance and she told me they was very slim, she told me that she as only ever seen 2 baby in her whole career at that weight survive and go home  but they had long term disability like cerebral palsy.

They also offered me a termination as they was worrying about my mental health because I was only 18 and going through this… but I rejected this offer…. She was my baby and this was her fight to fight….

I told them I wished to go away and think about these offers.

 

The next day I sat down and had a long thing and spoke to my bloke and family and friends… I then made my decision that this was my daughters fight and I wanted to leave it as her choice if she wanted to fight she’ll fight and if she didn’t she’s give up inside of me where she was safe…. If she was to go I would rather her go inside me where she’s safe and peaceful not out here where doctors and midwives would have their hand all over her  trying to put breathing tubes in her and that…..

 

But the day came………..

Friday the 1st May 2015 – I woke up and sense something wasn’t right because every day for the last 8/9 weeks I was woken up to her kicking me but I had nothing but one tiny movement but that’s was at like 5am I knew something wasn’t right so I got my heart Doppler and started looking for her heart beat I was looking for a good 45 minuet then my partner looked nothing…… deep down I knew my princess had lost her fight but hoping I was wrong I rang DAU and they told me to come straight up…… when I arrived my consultant was waiting for me…. She took me straight round to the scan department where I let on the bed to hear my consultant tell me my baby was now a peace and now a sleeping beauty.

They then took me in to another room where they sat me down and explain what was going to happen. Then they gave me a tablet and told me the deliver suit would ring me Sunday morning to tell me when to come up.

I was devastated… I felt so numb…. I just kept holding my belly….. I didn’t know how to feel

 

Sunday 3th May 2015 - 10 am I had the phone call to make my way up to delivery suite….. It was about 11ish I arrived and got put in to a room where I had a very nice midwife explain out they are going to induce me and then I’ll get to meet my little princess…… so avoiding the gory details it was about 1pm they started me off with the first set of tablets….. I started to contract about 4 ish then about 6:30 the pain was now unbearable so I was given paracetamol that did nothing so then I had oramorph which also did nothing…… so decided to go on gas and air which Is quite good I after being in full labour for 2 hours and 29 minutes finally at 9.04pm weighing 420 grams and 28 cm long I gave birth to my beautiful sleeping beauty…. She was so small yet so well developed….. She really amazed me…. She was perfect beyond compare…. And my love for her is out of this world…. It was such a surreal moment…. Later that night people came up to visit her….. We was moved round to the lavender suite with was more like a little flat which was nice…..

 

Any way long story short I had lot of people come and visit her in the 42 hour I had with her…..

Tuesday 5th May 2015 – This was one of the hardest days of my life…. I had to hand over my sleeping beauty knowing I would never see her again (well I thought I wouldn’t) …. It was so hard I didn’t understand why… your meant to look after and protect you baby and be saying hello not good bye…. Skyler was just “to perfect for this world” …..